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One Girl’s Journey with Borderline

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is like carrying a weight that no one can see but everyone can feel. It’s an invisible storm that brews in my chest, pulling my thoughts and actions into chaos, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t control it. Some days, I feel like I’m being pulled into a vast, empty sea, drowning in emotions that I can’t escape. Other days, I feel like I’m flying too high—caught in mania, invincible, reckless, like I’m invulnerable to everything. But the crash is always waiting. The silence that follows is deafening, and in the stillness, the fear of abandonment whispers louder than the pain itself.

I don’t know where the real me ends and the disorder begins. The emotional instability consumes me, leaving me lost between self-loathing and moments of grandiosity. I lash out, I retreat, I love, and I hate with such intensity, each feeling so visceral that it’s almost a relief to feel something, even if it’s destructive. The emptiness that comes with BPD is suffocating—like I’m a ghost walking through my own life, unsure of what I’m supposed to feel, who I’m supposed to be, or if I even exist at all.

There is a constant tension between who I am and who I think I should be. Relationships are a battleground. I crave connection but fear rejection, and so I sabotage the very thing I need. I push people away before they can leave me. And yet, when they do, it confirms everything I already feared. I’m too much or I’m not enough—the contradictions play out in every relationship, until there’s no one left to push away.

Therapy is a slow and painful unraveling of everything I’ve convinced myself is true. Medication offers a dull calm, but it never silences the storm completely. Some days, I wonder if it ever will. There is no cure for this, only moments of peace that slip through my fingers, too fragile to hold onto for long.

What does it mean to heal from this? I don’t know. Maybe healing isn’t the point. Maybe it’s about surviving the storm until the next calm comes, or finding ways to exist within it. I’m still learning, still searching for meaning in the madness, still trying to find a way to live this life in some semblance of peace.

But in the quiet moments, the truth lingers: I am still here.

“The journey continues, but the end remains unseen.”

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